Atlas of Prejudice: Glossary
Why is Aristotle so famous? Why does Donald Trump remind you of Peter Pan? I’ve got all the answers for you. Read on!
This glossary explains tantalizing concepts and terms from the book Atlas of Prejudice: The Complete Stereotype Map Collection. It can be used as a standalone guide under strict supervision from a licensed professional.
A
Abraham, the quintessential example of a reckless parent who almost slit the throat of his own child during a schizophrenic fit. Later, three major monotheistic religions chose him as their spiritual father. Guess what followed.
Adolf Hitler, an Austrian painter of serene, relaxing landscapes. Couldn’t shave very well. Died in a fire with the love of his life. Also a mass murderer.
Age of Discovery, an epic period in European history when a bunch of white people got tired of eating bland food, set off in search of spices and started planting flags on every plot of land that wasn’t owned by their immediate neighbors, thus claiming it for themselves and their own posterity. In most cases it worked pretty well until the locals started to get suspicious.
Age of Enlightenment, a period in European history when some absolutist monarchs started fantasizing about reforming their societies but never realized their goals because it was getting late and they had to go dress up for dinner.
Alexander the Great, a man who once named a city after a horse. Considered a dangerous terrorist by Ancient Persians. Schooled by a famous charlatan. See entry about Aristotle.
American Revolution, an uprising in some of the British North American colonies that ultimately managed to replace tea with Coca-Cola as their beverage of choice. The French offered culinary assistance, and a statue.
Andy Warhol, a character from a David Bowie song that loves siestas. Also, a real person who was addicted to tomato soup and had a malfunctioning photocopier in dire need of proper color calibration.
Angela Merkel, a homophobic German socialite with no fashion sense (because no gay man would ever agree to do her hair). Threw a refugee party in the middle of Europe. Forgot to ask her neighbors whether they’re OK with it.
Aristotle, an ancient thinker whose ideas were outrageously wrong but people took him seriously because they knew no better. A discouraging example of how once earned, credibility sticks no matter how ridiculous you are. See entry about Leonardo da Vinci.
B
Barack Obama, a white Indonesian Muslim fundamentalist with links to Cuba and Iran. An illegal immigrant, he fooled everyone but Donald Trump and twice stole the US presidency using a fake birth certificate. His real name is Barry Soetoro.
Barbara Walters, Walter Cronkite’s nemesis in an age when sexism was a moral value. Also, mother of Oprah Winfrey.
Borgias, two popes who had the habit of acting like normal people and got everyone very scandalized by it.
bureaucracy, see entry about European Parliament.
C
chemtrails, a clandestine method of dispersing poison with staggering accuracy by using airplanes that secretly carry huge containers with toxic load and spray it as they travel without raising anybody’s suspicion.
Coca-Cola, the beverage of choice for all aspiring capitalists and their socialist friends who claim they only like it because the capitalist system deprives them from real choice. Connoisseurs unanimously prefer Coca-Cola bottled in Mexico because it is sweetened with “real” sugar picked up directly from the trees as opposed to its plebeian variety in the United States, which contains processed sugar stripped from any dietary fiber. No wonder Mexicans are never constipated!
Cold War, a war that was unusually cold, probably because global warming wasn’t yet invented by the liberal media.
D
Dark Ages, a period in European history, when due to inexplicable circumstances, the electricity network malfunctioned and could not be repaired for several centuries. According to pop singer Madonna, writing didn’t exist and everybody was very stupid. And what better source than a pop singer when you want to learn about human history.
Donald Trump, the filthy rich version of Peter Pan. Also, the last Republican presidential nominee in history.
E
Eurovision, a musical kitsch extravaganza, sponsored by the Illuminati, that grabs the Old Continent by the throat every year for no reason. Also, gay men’s football.
European Parliament, see entry about bureaucracy.
Evo Morales, Karl Marx’s last horcrux.
F
Francois I of France, (duh!) a French king who was in a submissive relationship with Habsburg emperor Charles V involving role play, bondage, and public humiliation. Also hoarder of books. Obsessed with Italy.
French Revolution, a typical French strike turned sour because the protesters refused to eat the cakes that the aristocracy threw at them. Lowest point in culinary history!
Friedrich Nietzsche, a crazy German person who instead of doing typically German things like rolling sausages or writing stories of children being cooked, decided to take the entire subject of philosophy and turn it on its fucking head. He reached superstardom, i.e. the status after which everybody quotes him but nobody reads him.
G
Genghis Khan, a Mongol emperor who loved barebacking so much that most men in Central Asia claim to be his direct descendants.
George W. Bush, a person who, unlike Sarah Palin, only pretended to be stupid and nobody could figure it out for eight long years. He is still laughing about it.
H
Heinrich Himmler, the fairy godmother of the Nazi party.
I
Imelda Marcos, the Filipino version of Eva Perón. After her husband became a dictator, Marcos started suffering from Cinderella syndrome, an obsessive disorder affecting many filthy rich women all over the world, forcing them to mindlessly shop for shoes. Her collection reportedly contained more than 3000 pairs.
Industrial Revolution, a historical period when machines brought happiness to all humanity by freeing us all from the tyranny of the sloppy manufacturers and their expensive non-scalable business models. In the beginning, some generations of humans had to be regrettably sacrificed until the safety of the machines was perfected but don’t tell me the amputated limb of your great-grandmother wasn’t worth your new shiny iPhone!
J
Jerusalem, a city in the middle of nowhere claiming to be the center of the world.
Jesus Christ, the original Elvis Presley. Had to fake his death to get rid of the crowds and live a normal life with a dude named Judas, who was the original Priscilla Presley.
Julius Caesar, the Roman god of machismo and useless posturing.
K
Kim Kardashian, an American socialite. Head of the Illuminati.
Klemens von Metternich, an Austrian foreign minister and chancellor. Stank of naphthalene. Also, Henry Kissinger’s idol. How’s that for a compliment?
L
Leonardo da Vinci, the Steve Jobs of the Renaissance era. Leonardo invented a lot of gadgets. However, unlike Jobs, he couldn’t get them to work. This pesky detail continues to go unnoticed by his countless admirers because once you get as famous as Leonardo, even truth ceases to matter.
M
Margaret Thatcher, Henry VIII with a vagina. The original mastermind behind Brexit, UK’s secession from the European Union. Secretly married Ronald Reagan. Their only child, Tony Blair, became prime minister and invaded Iraq to promote social democracy. This made Margaret very happy.
Marshal Pétain, a French World War I hero who was later in charge of defending France from the Nazis in the second installment of the legendary massacre. This time, instead of the battlefield, he opted for a spa resort with continental breakfast and free pedicure. In hindsight, it turned out to be the wrong choice. Keep this in mind next time you get the urge to scribble nonsense like “Make love not war” on a billboard. History is a bitch!
Mediterranean Sea, a sea that is not located in the middle of the Earth.
multiculturalism, the premise that cultures that hate each other will magically start tolerating each other once they are forced to live side by side.
N
Nigel Farage, a British lad who can’t tell the difference between a pub and a parliament.
O
October Revolution, a revolution that took place in early November in Russia. If this confuses you, please remember that revolutions rarely play by their own rules.
Original Sin, a culinary crime usually committed after heavy marijuana use, also known as munchies.
R
Realpolitik, Otto von Bismarck’s way of describing the art of holding your farts while being sandwiched between two of the largest armies in Europe.
Renaissance, a period in European history when a group of spoiled Florentine lads dug out some ancient statues whose paint was all washed out, and suddenly decided that this was the aesthetic of the future. Their fountains with pissing cherubs still stink up countless tourist attractions across Italy.
S
Sagrada Familia, a human-made structure in Barcelona that went wrong almost immediately after people started building it but no one wanted to admit it. Not much has changed since because people are still in denial.
Sarajevo, the Bronx of Europe.
scapegoat, the first domesticated animal. Non-present in the fossil record because its bones were repeatedly used and recycled.
Sigmund Freud, an Austrian Jew with a passion for cigars. Figured out that sex dominates the human psyche. Duh!
Sistine Chapel, a chapel (what else) whose ceiling is dominated by a fresco depicting an intimate moment between a bearded sugar daddy named Jehovah and his young muscular son named Adam. The son is portrayed in a sexually-suggestive pose but his penis is frustratingly small. Thankfully, the body of the much older Jehovah is covered in drapes, so we are spared the view of his saggy scrotum. The daughter Eve is totally missing from the picture. Because whatever happens in it is not her fucking job.
Sixtus IV, a Roman pope who couldn’t count very well because why else would he name himself “Sixth the Fourth” upon his election? Apart from that, he did pretty well, sticking to the usual papal values of nepotism, patronage of the arts, and endorsement of slavery.
Sparta, a city state in Ancient Greece. Run by an oligarchy of butch gay men whose favorite pastime was oiling their big muscles and sharpening their swords. Their passive-aggressive wives didn’t cook very well, allegedly because of sexual frustration. One of them, named Helen, got fed up and hopped on a cruise ship that led her to Troy. The gays got really pissed off. The rest is history!
Suleiman the Magnificent, a narcissistic Ottoman emperor who was prone to filicide, loved poetry, and had problems keeping one of his wives on a leash. A constant threat to the smug European aristocracy.
T
Third Reich, the third and last collective attempt of the German nation to conquer Europe by military means. After it failed disastrously, Germans turned to tourism to achieve similar goals in a peaceful but much more effective manner.
Thirty Years’ War, a 17th Century war that lasted exactly thirty years, and when it ended nobody could remember why it actually started.
Thomas Jefferson, allegedly the most erudite president the United States ever had. Also, the horniest. Yes, including Clinton.
V
Venezuelan soap opera, a television sub-genre of Latin American magic surrealism. Known for the complexity of its characters, who effortlessly die, reincarnate, and switch gender or biological species throughout the development of the story.
Viktor Orbán, what Vladimir Putin will look like if Russia suddenly loses its oil reserves.
Vladimir Putin, Russia’s biggest sex symbol since the age of Rasputin. Unlike Rasputin, Putin is not afraid of a shower.
Voyager I, a space probe launched by NASA as the most sophisticated collective suicide attempt in human history. It carried a disk with unencrypted information about the entire human race. The disk was made of gold, so its shiny surface could improve the chances of being noticed. Once captured by a superior alien civilization, it will be used to locate Earth and enslave humanity. The idea was conceived by Carl Sagan, a sociopath known to the general public from his anti-creationist TV show Cosmos. At the time of the launch, during the Cold War, the general public was manipulated to believe that all advanced civilizations were by definition peaceful, a view later refuted by Ridley Scott in his magnum opus Alien, where Sigourney Weaver, despite being a woman, successfully confronts a giant monster whose head looks like a penis.
W
Wolfgang Schäuble, a famous German party-pooper. Possesses the superhuman ability to calculate the exact amount of beer he swallows per gulp, even when he is severely drunk.
Woodrow Wilson, an American president and idealist who believed that every nation should have the right to govern itself. Also a pathological racist.
World War I, also called “the war to end all wars.” You can guess what happened simply by contemplating the naive arrogance of the statement.
World War II, a war that compares to World War I just like Michael Jackson’s Thriller album compares to his earlier solo debut effort, Off the Wall. It builds on the achievements of its predecessor, widens the emotional range, expands its artistic scope, and transcends its own genre to produce an unique larger-than-life opus of unforeseen craftsmanship. Clearly the pointe of military art, its epic battlefields are every military general’s Neverland.
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An international bestseller, the Atlas of Prejudice has been published in English, Traditional Chinese, French, German, Russian, Spanish, Turkish, and Italian. Its various hardcover, paperback, and electronic editions have sold more than 100.000 copies worldwide!
