Europe According to Marine Le Pen
Allons enfants de la Patrie, Marine Le Pen est arrivée
From Atlas of Prejudice: The Complete Stereotype Map Collection
Nationalists all over the world have one thing in common: In the long and tumultuous history of the Universe, they always place the creation of their own nation somewhere between the singularity that started the Big Bang and the emergence of the first hydrogen atom.
For Marine Le Pen, however, France is not only a nation but a universal force, on par with electromagnetism and gravity. If she wasn’t a politician, she’d most likely work at CERN smashing photons, sifting the debris, and looking for the elementary particle of frenchness.
Marshal Pétain would most certainly be proud of her, even though one can imagine the initial shock when he discovers that France’s only hope has a vagina. Time hasn’t been particularly nice to ultraconservative traditions but what the hell, it won’t be the first time when Pétain would be pressed by the circumstances to follow Realpolitik and embrace the better of two evils. Yet it’s so hilariously ironic that the survival of the far right today is in the hands of women: Marine and her niece in France, Alessandra Mussolini in Italy… Could it be an elaborate feminist conspiracy?
I have an even more shocking theory: Marine was actually born in the wrong country. Had she been British, she would have been the finest student of Margaret Thatcher. Economic nonsense and exalted patriotism aside, the Iron Lady would be captivated by her pupil’s foreign policy ambitions. Of course, seen in their original French context, they make absolutely no sense: closing the borders, exiting the Euro, a moratorium on immigration, expansion of la Francophonie “in the lands of Asia, the Americas, Europe and Africa.”
But once you understand that Marine doesn’t see France as geographically attached to the European mainland, every gibberish you have ever heard from her mouth turns into a brilliant insight. So she either grew up with the wrong atlas or she has a secret plan to shift the tectonic plates and free her country from the tyranny of land borders.
There’s a well-known axiom in European politics: a common Franco-German border always breeds trouble. Up to the 19th Century, French politicians like Richelieu treated it as a backyard fence, where they shoveled away their dog poo. On the other side more than 300 tiny German states, many of which led by provincial megalomaniacs, argued who was supposed to use it as a fertilizer. Then came Bismarck and things got ugly. The megalomaniacs left their provinces and marched into France.
Despite relying on the resources of a giant colonial empire, France had to be saved with British and American help. Twice. It became clear that the border must go. Decades of European integration managed to erase it completely. But Marine is not happy. She wants a new fence. She has a lot of dog poo to shovel away.
I hope she has a better plan than Richelieu. Maybe it won’t be a bad idea to get that job at CERN after all. I wonder how she would name the elementary particle. Does bonaparton sound too funny? How about boson de gaulle?
Interested in stereotypes? Continue reading:
An international bestseller, the Atlas of Prejudice has been published in English, Traditional Chinese, French, German, Russian, Spanish, Turkish, and Italian. Its various hardcover, paperback, and electronic editions have sold more than 100.000 copies worldwide!
